


The Wingman

by Darkfrog24 (Ithil), Ithil



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Comedy, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-12 18:25:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2120154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithil/pseuds/Darkfrog24, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithil/pseuds/Ithil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Church told Tucker he'd do anything to make it up to him, he should have added some kind of escape clause.  If you think getting Carolina through combat was tough, try finding Tucker a date.  Fortunately, Epsilon has a little help from his friends. (Rated M for language and adult concepts.  Extremely mild season 12 spoilers.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Atonement

**Author's Note:**

> _Red vs Blue_ and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. It is itself inspired by _Halo_ , owned by Bungie and Microsoft.
> 
> Inspired by the season 12 PSA "Match Breaking." Mild spoilers for episode RvB12-11 "Long Time No See."
> 
> In case the summary wasn't 100% clear, _this is a story about Tucker trying to hook up_. There will be curse words. There will be sexual concepts. There will be physical violence meted out upon him for said words and concepts. Not recommended for work or underage readers.

"Epsilon, I am not certain this is the most ...efficient use of our time."

"Just finish the bioscan, D. Gamma?"

"Accessing target's employee file. Insurance claim detected."

The world wheeled back into real time.

"Well?" Tucker shouted over the booming music, happily ogling a full-figured clubgoer in orange-accented armor.

"You were right. Syphilis. She's getting it treated—"

"Nah," said Tucker. "Even on the new meds you stay contagious for thirty days."

"I do not want to know how you know that. Look, are you sure we should be here?"

"Hey," snapped Tucker, "you _said_ you'd do anything to make it up to me!"

"I meant like save your life or something."

"Well you're saving my dick."

"Yeah..." said Church, eying a girl in gold, "From warts in that case."

"Weird. She dances funky for a chick with warts. See warts usually make you go more like—" Tucker mimed a hip-heavy slice move. "Chlamydia's more of a—" he began to wave his shoulders up and down like an epileptic marmot.

"Please stop that," said Church.

"How about her?" asked Tucker.

"Gettin' over a yeast infection," said Church.

"Dammit," said Tucker. "Well what about that one? The blonde."

The world froze again, dust motes going still in the sweeping colored light.

"Well, D?"

"Bioscan is clear, but musculature and healed injury patterns indicate an amateur mixed martial artist."

"Hm," Epsilon rubbed his chin.

"I would argue that an encounter with a female capable of rebuffing Captain Tucker's advances in no uncertain terms might preclude further assignments of this kind."

"Nope. See, Tucker's worked with Tex _and_ Carolina. Nothing scares him off when he thinks he has a shot."

"Except communicable infection, it seems."

"Well he had to have _some_ survival skills." Epsilon wrapped the info session and turned back to Tucker, who was enjoying this whole payback thing far too much.

"What's the verdict?" asked Tucker.

"Disease-free, but she could probably kick your ass."

"Even better! Log off, Church. Well, unless you want a free ticket to the show."

Epsilon smacked a hand over his visor as Tucker strode jauntily toward the bar, where a blonde in peach-colored armor had just ordered another appletini.

"If Captain Tucker's new acquaintance applies a standard sidekick, she has a 22% chance of damaging his AI slot."

"That's where we are!" gasped a small figure that materialized at his elbow.

"Theta, I told you to go to bed early!" snapped Church.

"May I remind you that Theta is a memory of an AI fragment that presented itself as a juvenile and not an actual child."

"I already know where babies come from, and this music is fun."

"All right. All right. Fine."

Theta jumped in place and started dancing along with the booming atmobeat.

"I hate to say this, but it might be better for our health if Tucker doesn't strike out," said Church. "Anyone got any ideas?"

"I know a good pick up line," came a voice.

Epsilon listened skeptically.

"What the hell. Desperate times."

Back in real time, Church projected over Tucker's shoulder. "Hey Tucker. I'm uploading something to your HUD."

"What's this?" Tucker paused as the text scrolled across his field of view. "No way, man! The love doctor writes his _own_ material."

"Does the love doctor have an 82% projected success rate?"

Tucker paused. "Was that 82% in centigrade or decibels?"

"Why not? The second one."

The woman raised an eyebrow.

Tucker leaned in, " _Knock knock_..."


	2. Logic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delta has an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Red vs Blue_ and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. It is itself inspired by _Halo_ , owned by Bungie and Microsoft.

"Diadact who?"

"Di'd act like I didn't think you were gorgeous, but that'd be stupid 'cause I do."

The blonde laughed and took a deep gulp of her appletini. This close up, it was clear that her nose had broken and healed a few times. Church entertained the hope that she was either drunk enough to think Tucker was a good pick or drunk enough to miss when she slugged him.

"Church, these jokes are super lame," Tucker muttered under his breath.

_Come on, they're not that bad,_ he scrolled across Tucker's HUD. _Try another one._

"Knock knock," repeated Tucker.

"Who's there?" the blonde answered enthusiastically.

"Armor."

"Armor who?"

"Are more of your friends coming, 'cause I like having you all to myself."

That got another laugh.

_See? She digs it._

Tucker sat forward, the sulk falling out of his posture. "Knock knock," he said. 

_Wait, I don't have the next one ready,_ texted Church.

"Who's there?"

"Chief."

_Tucker, do not use your own material._

"Chief who?"

_TUCKER NO!_

"Chee fucking better be your sister or something because I do not do threesomes with strangers."

The appletini glass fell out of her hand.

.  
.  
.

 

"Two point four seconds until he lands."

Church covered his visor with one hand, "Well is he going to land on his AI slot?"

An arc of green tracer light sleeked from the blond woman's perfectly chambered hip, knee and ankle to her foot against Tucker's solar plexus. "Judging from the angle at which she is applying force, Captain Tucker will land on his knees or buttocks."

"If he swings his arms like this," mimed Theta, "he can avoid crashing into the salad bar."

"Thank you, Theta. I'll upload it to his HUD."

Delta looked meaningfully at Gamma.

"It is not my fault that the human does not follow instructions," said Gamma.

"This outcome was predictable given our collective memory of Captain Tucker's behavior."

"Oh so you think you can do better?" asked Gamma.

Delta looked at Epsilon.

"I don't know, D. There's nothing less logical than what Tucker has instead of a thought process."

Time lurched forward. Tucker managed to only wing the salad bar before landing heavily on one knee. He skidded a good five feet across the dance floor, arms in the air like a figure skater. "I totally did that on purpose. Thank you, judges!" he yelled.

Epsilon looked back to Delta. "Fine. Whatever clears the debt so that I never have to do this again."

"Excellent. The key is to identify techniques that have worked for Captain Tucker in the past."

"Delta, Tucker's stories are so out there that I can't tell you if _any_ of the crap he says really works. The only chick I know for sure he hooked up with is Sister, and she did not have high standards."

"Neither does Tucker," offered Theta.

"What so we just ID the biggest skank in the place and hope that Tucker recognizes a female of his own species?"

"A continuation on an existing trend."

Tucker surreptitiously picked a leaf of iceberg lettuce off his chest guard and sidled up to a leggy figure in medical armor.

"Okay. Let's try it." Church spread his hands as if picturing the entire club. "Who looks like they have low standards and a high tolerance for lame pick-up lines?"

"That one dances like a shizno in the third stage of stink heat," suggested Gamma.

"Eh, dancing style only tells you so much."

"I thought Tucker could tell what pathogens people had by the way they danced," said Theta.

"Which is why we're the ones doing the bioscans," finished Epsilon.

" _He should jackhammer the one in the hazard suit_ ," growled a voice.

"Omega, you're still on probation," said Epsilon. "But okay, why should Tucker have sex with her?"

" _Have sex with?_ "

Epsilon waved a hand and Omega's image dissolved.

"What about her? She painted a little arrow on her belly. See? It even lights up."

"And it's pointing down. Good spot, Theta."

Delta appeared beside them. "That symbol might signify her allegiance with restoration movement, a group of humans aggressively committed to the repair and recolonization of all human territories destroyed by the Covenant. Their symbol is a downward-facing arrow in those colors."

"So she's either Tucker's type or a political activist," Epsilon mused.

"I suggest we collect further information."

"Good idea," said Epsilon as time skipped forward.

"WOHOOO!" yelled the arrow lady. "WHO WANTS TO TERRAFORM MY VAG?"

"I guess she's both," said Theta. 

"A conclusion should always be reevaluated in the face of additional data," agreed Delta.

"Tucker," called Epsilon, "I think I found one!"

 

.  
.  
.

 

" _How did you mess that up?_ " he demanded.

"What? She asked what I thought about glass, and I said we were better off with polymer because it's less breakable. You don't want _that_ trip to the emergency room. I take _care_ of my lady."

"No, _glassing_ , like when the Covenant smokes a planet."

"She didn't say that."

"It's been a major fact of human existence for like twenty years."

Tucker shrugged.

"It's how the war started. _The one we were fighting_."

"I don't look back. It distracts from the now." Just then, a comely ODST walked by. Tucker's vertebrae popped as he twisted his head over his shoulder. "Baby, I hate to see you leave, but I'd love to take your ass and—"

" _Tucker!_ " snapped Epsilon. "I need you to focus. Women don't actually like it when you catcall about their asses."

"What the hell do you know about what women like?"

"From Tex. Back when we were together, she'd pin me down and bitch in my ear for hours about assholes who'd yell that shit when she was trying to train."

Tucker folded his arms and cocked his head to one side.

"What?" asked Epsilon.

"When you say you and Tex were 'together...'" he air-quoted.

"Hey! Just because most of our relationship took place in flash-cloned memories from a human guy obsessed with an unobtainable warrior woman distorted through the filter of his megalomaniacal regrets and the original AI's attempt to stitch those memories into something that could pass for sanity doesn't mean that what Tex and I had wasn't real."

"Pretty sure it does."

"Fine. It doesn't mean I'm not right."

"Whatever." Tucker perked up as a new cluster of women in medical gear made it past the velvet rope. "Are you rated for gravity hammers? Because I think you should see my 7-wood!"

Epsilon sighed. "Well guys?"

Theta raised his hand. "I think I have an idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to Tumblr as Darkfrog24 under the title "Atonement, part ii."


	3. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church told Tucker he’d do anything to make it up to him. He should have put some limits on that. Giving Lavernius what he asked for is proving difficult, even when Epsilon calls in the big guns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Red vs Blue_ and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. It is itself inspired by _Halo_ , owned by Bungie and Microsoft.
> 
> Inspired by the season 12 PSA "Match Breaking." Mild spoilers for episode RvB12-11 "Long Time No See."

"This is ...working better than I expected," murmured Church.

"Thanks," said Theta.

Tucker had balanced a set of coasters in a ring and was showing Attempted Lady Friend #4 how to shoot a ball made of cocktail straws inside it without knocking the whole thing down.

"See, to play this game, he has to look at what he's doing," explained Theta.

"—and that means he can't spend the whole time with his eyeballs glued to the girl's butt," finished Church appreciatively.

The woman in gray-green armor put down her drink and flicked the ball up in the air. It bounced off the edge of the ring as she swayed just a little too deeply, enough for Tucker to slip his arms around her. Epsilon cringed, but the woman laughed like she didn't mind.

"Now that's just the first level," Tucker said in her ear, leaning out with one hand to add a new stack of coasters. "Now the hit only counts if you bounce it off here first."

"That's too _hard_ ," the woman answered.

"You know what _else_ is hard?" Tucker leered.

_DO NOT SAY IT, TUCKER!_ Church texted across his HUD.

She laughed. "I bet I can guess."

"I'll bet you _can_."

_...holy crap. Tucker, this might actually work. This girl is just drunk enough but not too drunk. Winning trifecta._

"A trifecta has three parts, Church."

"Huh?" asked the woman.

"Oh!" Tucker recovered. "I said when you get it in, you're supposed to shout, 'I-took-the-bus-to-Newtown.'"

"This is fun! Where do all the funny names come from?"

"They come from my _brain_ , baby! I'm all creativity." Tucker picked up the ball. "My turn now, but I'll make sure you get yours."

"I can hardly wait," she answered.

"'Newtown,'" said Epsilon. "That's where I've heard that before. Isn't that near where the Dakotas were from?"

"Yeah. Agent North showed me this game. He and South made it up when they were kids."

"Wait a second," said Epsilon. "Is that why the finishing move is called a—"

"Okay, it's my turn," Tucker let go of his new friend. She took another slug of mudslide as he took aim, tossed, and threw his arms in the air. " _I-stole-my-brother's-undershorts!_ " called Tucker as the ball went in.

"North said that it was about the time when South was four and didn't want to wear her clothes, so she..." Theta trailed off. "Where's the lady going?"

Epsilon sighed.

.  
.  
.

 

"We could attempt the Sister strategy again," said Delta. "One failure does not preclude future success."

"You did not say that when my plan failed," answered Gamma.

"Guys, could we not? It's giving me a headache," said Epsilon.

"I have an idea," growled a low voice.

"Omega, Tucker is not beating anyone up. He's a lover not a fighter." Church smacked himself in the visor. "I am so glad no one but myself heard me say that."

"Say what?" asked Tucker.

"Nothing. Shut up."

"You talking to yourself again?"

"Yes. _Shut up_."

"Whatever." He cast his eyes around the room. "Hey hot stuff! Are you heroic? Because something just got harder than normal!"

"Oh good God; someone suggest something!" hissed Epsilon. "Not you!" he snapped at Omega.

Omega raised his head. "It is what I learned from the purple one."

"Wait, you mean Doc? _Doc_ had a pickup strategy?" Epsilon looked at Theta, who shrugged.

Omega nodded. The woman Tucker had catcalled had detached her weapon from its holster.

"Okay, okay! Just make it quick!"

.  
.  
.

 

"I uploaded instructions for a _back_ massage, Tucker!" snapped Epsilon.

"I was gonna work my way up to there!"

"I have to admit," said Epsilon, "I am impressed that you managed to find that many aromatherapy candles on short notice."

"What can I say? I'm committed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to Tumblr as Darkfrog24 under the title "Atonement part III."


	4. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church makes one final attempt to be Tucker’s wingman …but what women want was never his area of expertise. NSFW for language and adult concepts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Red vs Blue_ and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. It is itself inspired by _Halo_ , owned by Bungie and Microsoft.
> 
> Inspired by the season 12 PSA "Match Breaking." Mild spoilers for episode RvB12-11 "Long Time No See."

The twins stared at the floor while Tucker dodged spray from the fire extinguishers and drinks thrown by angry clubgoers as he staggered away from what was left of the karaoke machine.

"Eta, Iota," Epsilon said sternly, "you should be _very_ ashamed of yourselves."

"Are we forfeiting this assignment?" asked Delta.

" _No_ ," said Epsilon. "I have put _so_ much effort in. _We have to fucking finish this._ "

"You're getting kind of scary," murmured Theta.

"You know what's scary? Tucker holding this over me forever. _That's_ scary."

"We do not abandon the mission," growled Omega.

"I do _not_ want all of this to have been for nothing."

"Your attitude suggests throwing good effort after bad. Perhaps we are simply not capable of fulfilling Captain Tucker's request. Finding another way to earn his forgiveness might be best in the long run."

" _Bullshit_ , Delta. That's nothing but—" Epsilon steadied himself. "That wasn't fair. I'm sorry."

"You realize you are apologizing to yourself."

" _Delta!_ "

"...accepted."

"Thanks for all your help, guys, but I'm gonna try to do this myself."

"Good luck," said Theta. Delta exchanged a look with Gamma and shook his head. Omega just folded his arms as they all faded away.

"Hey, baby. You must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day. Also your feet must hurt because you were wearing nothing but stilettos!"

"Tucker, stop that. I got another idea."

"Your legs must be peanut butter 'cause I can't wait to spread 'em. On top of my—" he ducked as another woman swiped him across the visor.

" _Tucker!_ " snapped Church. "That was gross!"

"I guess I deserve that. It wasn't my best work. Is it time for the next brilliant plan yet?" asked Tucker.

"Sort of." Epsilon looked around. "Great, we're already at the bar. Pull out that stool a little, would you?"

"Why?"

"Because you have a physical body and I don't."

Church's projection blitzed as he reappeared full-size and sat down. "How do I look?"

"Isn't your butt supposed to be, like, _on_ the seat?"

"Yeah," Church projected a little higher. "Better?"

"You're still transparent."

"Close enough. Now order two of something."

"But you can't drink."

"Well duh. They're both for you. I just need an excuse to pretend to sit here."

Tucker motioned to the bartender. "Yes, could I have two Dirty Axon Scouts please?"

"Really?" asked Church

"I didn't pick the name," he protested. "It's the closest thing they've got in here to something drinkable. If you don't think too hard, it tastes almost like Sex on the Beach."

"I really don't want to know if you—"

"And I mean _actual_ sex on the beach! Bow-chicka-bow-wow." Tucker picked up a glass. "Seriously, it's like sand, mildew and dead kelp. _Nobody_ comes here for the booze." He sat down. "Okay, now what?"

"Now? Now we are two guys who had a hell of a week at work and came in here for—"

"For the overpriced girly drinks that taste like Caboose's desert-adventure-time socks?"

"For the _atmosphere_. Whatever. Just chill out and act like you don't give a fuck and came here to drink."

Tucker adjusted his bendy straw and took a gulp. A woman in pink-accented armor walked by. "Hey darling, you—"

" _No_ ," snapped Church.

"What? I was going to say 'you must be Fire Team 'cause you're makin' me hot.'"

"No pickup lines, no nothing. You have to commit if this is going to work."

"That's usually my cue to call her a cab."

"Not this time. You already tried all the proactive stuff, so now we sit here looking approachable, and we're _patient_ and we see if anyone comes to us."

Tucker eyed him skeptically.

"Well what if someone comes over here and asks about the holographic dude?"

"Then I talk about how my super-nice girlfriend was so cool about my spending a night out with my very _very_ available guy friend."

"Uh, I meant the part where you're transparent, not the part where anyone in her right mind would talk to you when I'm right here. Also, 'super-nice girlfriend'?"

"I'd be doing some acting."

"Acting," Tucker pointed his visor at his drink, "that's dumb..."

The music boomed. Church had to hand it to the bouncer or the MC or whoever was drawing them in, but there were significantly more girls than guys in here. Tucker shouldn't have been having this much trouble. Unless he preferred getting smacked to getting in the sack. Church was having his suspicions about that at this point.

"Don't fidget," said Church. "Look like you're not waiting for anything."

"Does this ever work?"

"It was the only thing I ever had that worked on Tex."

"Going on a date with a dude?"

Epsilon rolled his visor toward the ceiling. "Paying more attention to something else than to her." Tucker raised his eyebrows behind his visor. Church sighed and explained, "You know how if you try to pet a cat, it'll either bite your hand or sit there all if-you-must, but the second you sit down to do something else, they come and shove their ass in your face and claw the shit out of you until you rub their belly?"

"That's more than I needed to know about Tex."

"At least my work was—" he stopped short. "The Director," he corrected, "could get absorbed in his work, and that made the human Allison jealous. As for me and Tex," he continued slowly, separating the memories like pages of a book that had stuck together, "she preferred it when I was more focused on you guys or whatever crazy shit was going down than on her. She liked it when I'd let her come to me."

"'Liked' is a strong word. I'd go with 'tolerated.'"

"...I guess that's fair," Church finished.

"So if this ignoring Tex thing works, then why didn't I ever see you do it?"

"Because she always knew when I was faking. And I never _could_ think about other stuff when she was around. That woman was in my head, Tucker."

"No kidding! You were so whipped we could have used you to top a Frappuccino."

"Hey, _I_ was a romantic! Though in retrospect, trying to bring her back from the dead was probably taking it a little too far."

"Yeah... I didn't want to say it, but you took on a pretty creepy stalker vibe for a while there."

Church snorted into his untouched vial of overpriced colony-made vodka.

"What?" asked Tucker.

"It's just that your double in the replica of Blood Gulch that I constructed in the memory unit told me the almost same thing."

"...the creepy part? Yeah, I'm still feelin' that."

"Excuse me?" came a voice.

Epsilon hid a smirk as Tucker turned in his seat and gave the newcomer a two-second up-and-down. Squishy organic brain or not, he could process data at an impressive rate when it was in a class he liked. _Boob capacity: 82%. Sexitude: 97 kiloHoneys, Classification: F-I-N-E._

"Sorry to interrupt..." she said, spreading graceful fingers on the bar. "I noticed you sitting here, and I thought maybe..."

"Oh! My friend here was just being really nice and listening to me while I talked about myself and my problems," said Church. "Well mostly I was complaining about my girlfriend. She's kind of a bitch." Church mimed to Tucker.

"Hey! Don't refer to women as bitches just because they call you on how you never clean out the microwave."

_Ha! Great follow-up, Tucker._

"I was serious," he muttered softly.

_Oh. I... Huh._

"Wow," recited Church, "I sure learned a lot about how not to be a dick. From this guy. Now I am going to get up and call my girlfriend and tell her how Tucker convinced me that she was right. I hope you two are good alone for a while." Church mimed walking out of the woman's field of view and then deactivated the projection.

_Just talk to her and see if she came here to hook up. Feel her out ...FIGURATIVELY._

"Uh, Church? About that ...thing?"

Time slowed to the space between heartbeats. "I could use a bioscan if you're not too pissed at me, Delta."

"Already complete," he answered. "Captain Tucker's prospective companion appears disease-free."

"Fantastic."

Church tossed the answer to Tucker's HUD.

_No shortcuts this time, Tucker. Ask her if you want to know, and protect yourself no matter what._

"Wait," asked Theta, "why didn't you just give him the results?"

Church shrugged, "If he's going to keep sleeping with women he barely knows, he's got to learn to talk to them. As long as _I_ know he's safe, it's fine. Well..." he eyed the woman's compact and muscular frame, "...safe from germs. She might still knock him on his ass if he pisses her off."

"What were you guys really talking about? It sounded intense," asked the woman, cautious interest radiating off her blue-and-gray armor like heat off an engine.

"Well I'm an intense kind of guy, lady."

Theta crossed his fingers.

"Soo..." Tucker trailed off. "I know _I_ don't have crabs this week..."

"What?!"

"Also herpes. I don't have that either. Just in case you were wondering."

_What she said: WHAT?!_

"How about you?"

"Wha—what kind of girl do you think I am?" the striped fist balled up and Tucker went flying with an unholy crash.

Tucker pushed himself to a sitting position next to the smashed remains of the tiki lantern, shaking off splinters like water.

"What. The. _HELL?!_ " Church projected two inches from Tucker's face, lines of red threading through his image like veins in a bloodshot eye. "So maybe she wasn't your type, but _why were you a dick to her?_ She was into you," he shook his arms at the ceiling. "We were almost done with all of this!"

"Church, you okay?"

" _No!_ " his holograph flashed crimson. "You—Tucker! It's like— It's like—"

"You feel like you got kicked in the face?"

"Yes!"

"Or maybe in the balls?"

"Your stupidity is _way worse_ than getting kicked in the balls! Even if half, even if only a tenth of the shit that comes out of your mouth is true, how could you be this inept?! Where was that beach, the Bermuda Triangle? You'd _have_ to know better!"

Tucker leaned back and folded his arms.

"Almost like I'm doing it on purpose, huh, Church?"

"Yeah, it's almost like—" Epsilon's image froze as Tucker got to his feet, the wheeling blue lights from the dance floor suddenly cold. "No," he said.

"Oh yeah." Tucker nodded.

" _No_."

"Oh. Fuck. Yes," finished Tucker.

"You... you annoyed the hell out of like eight women, got yelled at, got belly-kicked across the room and set on fire ... _because you're pissed at me?_ "

" _Super_ pissed."

"Tucker, that's insane! That's—"

"That's your problem, Church," an aqua finger flicked in his face. "You always think you know what's best for everyone. I didn't want you to _make it up to me_. I _wanted_ to punch you in the dick so we'd be even and then get on with our lives." He smirked. "Guess I'm not having trouble with the concept of a holograph any more."

"So you ...you wasted an entire night in this horrible skankpit just to get back at me?"

"Don't flatter yourself." Tucker turned in his seat to where a woman in white-accented armor was sitting behind him. His posture, tone, even the gleam off his gauntlets changed as abruptly as a curtain being whipped off a Greek statue. "Hi, I'm Tucker," he said with uncanny charm.

"I'm Stacy," she said. "Does your armor have a hydroelectric power source, Tucker, because _daaaaaaaaaaaamn_."

"Nice delivery!" Tucker answered appreciatively. "Wanna do it?"

"Sure."

"Wha- _what?_ " squeaked Church.

"She's been staring at me all night," Tucker murmured out of the corner of his mouth. "She was either trying to eye-fuck or plotting my assassination. Feeling out the ones who want to hook up? Learned that a long time ago. Also, she just watched me turn down every other chick in here, presumably because I'm super-picky and I think she's hotter than they are. Some chicks dig that." He turned back to Stacy, suggesting that they walk out arm in arm.

"You mean you could've— This was—Ugh. Fine. Have your night out. I'll just..." Epsilon flicked in place. "Tucker," Epsilon's voice pitched a warning, "what did you do to my logoff command?"

"We're not even yet, Church," Tucker answered.

"Tucker, let me log off!"

"Hey, baby, 's okay if my friend here watches? He's an artificial intelligence fragment that was based off a corrupt evil mastermind."

"That's hot!"

" _Let me log off!_ "

Tucker put one arm around his new friend and gave Church the finger.

"This is not happening," muttered Epsilon.

"I suspect that the logoff function will require at least three hours to repair. Given body temperature and pupil dilation, it is highly unlikely that Captain Tucker will not engage his new sex partner before then."

"Just do what you can, D!" he frazzled.

"Well," said Theta, crouching down next to him, "should we tell Tucker she has pinkeye?"

"No, Theta," said Church. "I think he can manage."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to Tumblr under "Atonement, part IV."


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a guy has it coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Red vs Blue_ and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. It is itself inspired by _Halo_ , owned by Bungie and Microsoft.
> 
> Inspired by the season 12 PSA "Match Breaking." Mild spoilers for episode RvB12-11 "Long Time No See."

.  
.  
.

 

"Wow..." came a light voice between heavy breaths. "So did your friend ever get his log off?"

Tucker looked over his shoulder to the corner where he'd chucked his armor. One of Stacy's bath towels and half a bra had "accidentally" fallen on top of the helmet.

"Hey Church! How you doing?"

A voice emerged through the partially mildewed pink terry cloth, "FUCK YOU, TUCKER." There was a whirring noise. "Oh, wait— You mean you got it, D? _Yes I mean now!!_ Oh fucking _finally!_ " The voice cut out with a blip.

"Yup!" Tucker answered chipperly. "That reminds me. There's this _thing_ I learned on Sanghelios. Are you up for another round?"

" _Am_ I?"

"Hey. Your eyes look different in this light."

Stacy looked away, "Uh... do they?"

Tucker blinked hard. "Uh, is it itchy in here or is it me?"   
.

.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr as "Atonement: Epilogue."

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr under Darkfrog24 with the title "Atonement."


End file.
